Cup o' Joe

27 October 2009 @ 02:13 pm

Anybody know any good online courses for speed reading? I'm doing research, like I always do, in preparation for NaNo this year, and I still have about five books I need to at least skim. I'm trying for now to just read the lines as quickly as I can, not hesitating, and not re-reading to see if I missed something. So far it's worked well. I've gotten through some FBI profiling books and others about deception and lie detecting.

I'm excited about NaNo, even though I'm sick and I think my doctor misdiagnosed me. I'm sleeping about nine hours a night and then taking like 4-hour naps during the day (not all at once). The test for mono came back negative, but I'm wondering if my chronic fatigue syndrome isn't rearing its ugly head. It's been a long while, but then again I've been pushing myself, what with the knitting classes, my BTS class, and trying to read all the books I can get my hand on.

When I watch Criminal Minds, I notice the genius Dr. Spencer Reid, and how he runs one finger down the center of the page as he reads - at breakneck speed, of course. Maybe that has something to do with it, forces one to focus on certain key words and block out the extraneous.

Anyhow, before I forget, please pray for my good friend E., who is under lots of family stress at the moment. And for M, who is in the hospital and about to go before a judge on Thursday to be committed for more time. I love them both, and it makes me sad when they aren't well.

Tags: nano, sick, speed reading

Current Location: bedroom at computer

Mood:

exhausted

Music: beautiful silence

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08 October 2009 @ 11:08 am

growing a spine

It's not so much that she knows more than I do, it's that she knows it from a different sense. From a different side. But it's intimidating, or it was until yesterday when I just decided to grow a spine and respond from my heart and my own experience to what I know is true for me.

*sigh* It's the BTS class. I sort of knew it would be volatile. I mean, the topic itself is Borderline Personality Disorder. *rolls eyes* So, right, I should be shocked if it engenders some strong reactions on the FM site? But there's one person in particular who treats people with BPD whom I have let become a sort of "thorn in the flesh" for me, only because I find myself second-guessing everything I say. Even though I have lived with this disorder for - um - let's see, I was diagnosed in '93, so that's . . . erm . . . 16 years? I'd say I know quite a bit about it. I've read every book written about it, AS it came out. Those of you who know me know I read books as though I were eating candy bars. *g*

But yesterday, she blatantly disagreed with something I said - to something very crucial - in the class. At first I almost threw in the towel, wanted to pm or email her and say "You know what? If you know so much, how about if I just post the lessons and let you run the class from here on out." But then - I stepped away from the computer for a bit, let my logical brain take over, and really thought it out. It could have been simple miscommunication, misunderstanding. Happens all the time, especially over the internet, when you can't "speak" or see facial expressions, nonverbal behaviors.

When I was a bit calmer, I wrote back a response to her disagreement, clarifying myself and what I had meant.

Growing a bit more a spine every day. *G*

Tags: borderline personality disorder, bts class, conflict, courage

Current Location: home

Mood:

happy

Music: radio

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04 March 2009 @ 09:44 am

the good, the bad, and the ugly

THE GOOD: I'm able to read for longer bits now. Am reading a YA book, which I often do to see what's out there, since I'm trying to write that now. I'm 25 pages into a best-seller by Nic Sheff and I'm reading Lost in the Mirror as research for October's BTS class on FM. Yeah, it's early, but I have several books I want to read/re-read. I'm a mad knitter, and find it has calming/soothing ways for me. Better than pills, truly. :) At the moment I'm knitting my practice baby blanket which I'll donate to the church, since my mother said it's too dark for a baby (dark rose heather, who knew?), and I don't like to be on the disapproving side of my mother.

abennettstrong said bright, darker colors are good, since the frist color a baby actually sees is red. So - I have to decide if I'm making the blanket for the baby or the parents. But I found a beautiful pattern for the non-practice one I'm making for my niece, whose baby is due in September. So that's all good. And I did some more editing on Mikhaela yesterday. It's coming along slowly but surely. Will try to kick some butt in the edit marathon this weekend.

THE BAD: I'm not as mad about editing and writing issues as I am about knitting, and that sort of makes me sad. If editing could hold my attention for the length of time that knitting does, I'd be done with my first revision - long done, I'd say. My psychiatrist left and another dr took over for a few months, promptly found something better and left, and now I'm stuck with one of the dr's at the clinic that I hate (he doesn't like some of the medications that I take, even though Dr. McIntyre and I worked so hard to get this combination working). If I on't get the new dr that is taking over in April I'll leave Community Network Services and go back to Dr. Sack as my psychiatrist (he's also my gen. physician and I've known him for nearly 15 years).

THE UGLY: I try to hide it well (don't know how skilled I am) but I'm severely depressed and working hard to stay out of the hospital with the help of my current therapist, Dr. Kertes. I feel like I'm drowning, and .. . that's it. Thank God for knitting projects (she said, quite seriously).

Current Location: home

Mood:

depressed

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02 February 2009 @ 09:15 pm

forgotten...

Okay. This is going to sound really stupid, and possibly desperate, and maybe a little crazed. But I don't care, 'cause it's my blog, and you don't have to read it if it bugs you too much. *sigh*

This happened to me one other time since I've seriously started writing, which has been about five years now. I have been away from writing for a little over two months, what with one thing and another. December I spent mostly attempting to edit Mikhaela while in immense pain that hit me after NaNo was over. Then I had the rhizotomy, and I can't remember when that was, but it didn't help. So I was in much pain and agony over that for a while. The only thing that seemed to help and get me through much of it was knitting, to which I've now become addicted.

The last time I was away for a significant amount of time, as above, from my writing, it took me an even MORE significant amount to get back to it, because I felt paralyzed and unable to come to the keyboard. A good friend suggested Justin's exercises from FM and I tried one of those today but it felt stiff and uncomfortable. Not at all like what I write. Not my voice. Not me.

I don't know what else to do. I do believe that each of us is where we are supposed to be at this moment in time. I just wish that meant I was supposed to be writing, because I do love it so.

Current Location: home

Mood:

confused

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24 January 2009 @ 12:07 pm

(no subject)

My back doesn't hurt.

And I have a great idea, backstory, and will work on the outline for a chick lit novel I'm going to write during FebNoWriMo.

That's all. :)

Current Location: home knitting

Mood:

cold

Music: Gilmore Girls episode

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19 January 2009 @ 04:46 pm

my first day at P.T.

It's been a few days since I updated this thing. I'm just exhausted right now. Got back from my first P.T. session at the new facility about an hour ago. Feeling some deep muscle soreness. That's to be expected, she said, but if it gets into *pain*, to let them know. They have a fantastic place, just packed to the hilt with machines and all sorts of things to work on.

Tomorrow I do pool work. That will feel good, because it will be heated. I forgot to ask whether or not I should bring my swim shoes, but I suppose it can't hurt. I have pool therapy again on Wednesday, then I see Dr. Michaels on Thursday, and Jeff Kertes (said like Curtis) that same afternoon, the pain psychologist. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind.

Diane didn't give me any exercises to do at home yet, but she said they were just getting a feel for what I can do on the first day.

Totally wasted a day of writing, because I got caught up in The Devil Wears Prada, ostensibly for Chick Lit research, and am having a hard time putting it down. :D At least, I'm honest. A deadbeat, but an honest one.

Current Location: home

Mood:

exhausted

Music: none

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15 January 2009 @ 12:45 pm

update on Dr. appt

Got several on-the-spot in the office injections from Dr. Michaels today. She believes (probably because I told her my pain gets worse when I'm stressed or anxious) that my pain is a lot anxiety-related, so she referred me to a pain psychologist. I called him, but have not heard back yet. She does not believe another rhizotomy would help. She thinks P.T. is the very best thing, especially aqua therapy, and was very excited to learn that I would be going to my first appt this afternoon at 2:00.

That's about everything, and I'm too exhausted to write anymore. I need to cut myself some slack on a couple of things. For sure. Ciao.

Current Location: home

Mood:

drained

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15 January 2009 @ 07:10 am

update and stuff

I called Dr. Michaels yesterday like I was supposed to, to let her know how I'm feeling. I let the receptionist know I'm still in pain down my left leg and when I bend over. The receptionist got back with me and told me Dr. Michaels would like to see me as soon as possible; wondered if I could come in tomorrow. Of course I could come in!

Then, in the meantime while I was waiting for that call back, I found a physical therapy place called TRAXX, about two miles from my house, that accepts my insurance, and has AQUA therapy. I could not be more excited. I'm serious. You could knock me down with a feather. AND they'll be able to fill my script for a TENS unit which Michaels wanted me to start on.

I also decided, among a few other major decisions this past week, that I'm not a short story writer. Given the countless shorts I wrote last year, and partial shorts and flashes, and the ones that never made it (which, you know, would be all), I have decided I am more of a sustained writer, a novelist. There is a huge difference between writing a short story and writing a novel. A short story, in my MOST humble opinion, is much harder to write. Novels take stamina and creativity through the long haul. Anyway, I'll say no more before I start a debate, which is so not what I want to do.

That was a difficult decision to come to. I can still write the occasional personal essay (and take rejections as par for the course). But a short story writer I am no more.

But I AM a knitter. I finished my scarf!!! So I'm off today to the Old Village Yarn Shop to pick up some yarn for the Chunky Monkey scarf I'm going to make next. It looks like so much fun. :D

Tags: aqua therapy, back pain, dr. michaels, knitter, novelist, stuff, tracc

Current Location: home

Mood:

cold at -6 degrees

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13 January 2009 @ 03:40 am

epidural update

I'm sorry I didn't get to this yesterday to let you all know how the epidural procedure went. with Dr. Michaels yesterday. First of all, the thing I love best about her office, whether it's in the epidural proceural room or in the regural examining rooms, is that there's no more than a five minute wait from the time that you sit down. In fact, when my mom and I (she drove me because I had pain down my left leg this time and asked her if she wouldn't mind) arrived, she took me right in. At my family physician (whom I've seen for over twelve years and wouldn't stop seeing for the world) I've been known to wait upwards of one an one/half hours.

Anyway, when I told Dr. Michaels I was having left leg pain, she said that we would treat that another time. Since it was something new, and my chief complaint was still all across my back. Originally she was going to take care of two joints with two injections, but today she went a little conservative on me and only did a bilateral L-5 facet joint injection. (WHICH, believe me, was fine with me - ouch).

She asked me to call her in a couple of days to let her know how I am feeling. I guess because right now I'm not feeling much relief, and that's to be expecte. But she's keeping a close eye on this so that we can know which part of my body is causing so much pain. I can see why she's moving cautiously.

I went to sleep at 9:00 at night to get away from the pain and also because I'm such an early riser and it was just time, you know?

Again, if this works, it's time for another rhizotomy, so that's good news - certainly nothing to sneeze at! Oh - and she wrote a prescription for the next PT I see to order a T.E.N.S. unit for me, so that might help as well. People react different ways to it. Some people it helps and some it doesn't.

Well, enough rambling from me. How have YOU been? I mean it, too. :D

Current Location: home

Mood:

hopeful about everything

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12 January 2009 @ 04:54 am

much, much

Well, I got out a blog entry early this morning, so it seems I'm not quite ready to give up the ghost. :) So that means all I have to do today is see Kim, my psychotherapist, get my epidural from Dr. Michaels, do my knitting, and work on my gen sub story for Glimmer Train.

I'm very happy. Sorry, and please excuse the distressing and self-pitying post. It was so stupid. I just needed to vent.

Current Location: home knitting

Mood:

bouncy

Music: silence

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11 January 2009 @ 04:00 pm

Well, not AT the moment, but---

---it's the only user pic I could find that would allow me to show an honest portrayal of emotion and still be positive. And it did snow a ton yesterday; expecting more tomorrow.

So much for New Year's Goals and Resolutions. I don't know what in the world made me think I could write three posts a week to a health blog when I can barely IN A GOOD YEAR write one story every two months. The only reason I have a novel to edit right now is because NaNo kicks my butt into high enough gear to get it done. Plus I know the insanity ends in four weeks. Here I've only had two personal health setbacks that have already set me way back in a HEALTH BLOG! You do see the irony, I hope.

I'm having my epidural tomorrow, which should *crossing my fingers and praying* make a huge difference. I did take a huge chunk out of editing Mikhaela today, with 30 pp done so far and still going (trying for 60).

Maybe the health blog is just a blaaah (get it?) idea. I did finally pass one of the tests for Tutor.com (finally - yay me!) but I'm waitlisted because they are just full up. Still, I'm in the system, and that's a wonderful thing, and hard to do.

Maybe I'm just on a self-pity rollercoaster and I need to jump off. Problem is those bars they belt you in with really hold you in tightly - lol.

Tags: failed health blog, goals, resolutions

Current Location: home

Mood:

contemplative

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07 January 2009 @ 09:41 am

Dr.'s appointment

Saw Dr. Michaels this morning and she thinks it's another part of my back causing all this pain. She's scheduled me for a double facet joint injection (same as epidural) next Monday, and if that relieves the pain then Dr. Honet will do a rhizotomy on that area.

So, that's where we are. Just wanted to keep you updated. Oh and she gave me some numbers to call of physical therapy places that might have aquatic therapy.

Thanks for caring.

Current Location: home

Mood:

optimistic

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06 January 2009 @ 04:12 pm

It's done.

I posted to to Health Days, and here's where you can find today's entry about How to Stage a Coup on the Post-Holiday Blues. I hope you enjoy it. This is all fairly new to me, including the website, and I'm still learning and experimenting, but I think my catch-all or catch-phrase will become the "lady of the 8 things" - or that's what I've decided works best for me.

Tags: 8 things, health days blog entry

Current Location: home

Mood:

happy

Music: jazz station

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06 January 2009 @ 10:43 am

not online today

I won't be online today. I didn't get any sleep last night because of a mixup with my new prescription drug coverage, so one of my sleep meds was not filled. I will however, post my Health Days blog entry later today, and I'll post the link back here so any interested may read it.

Take care everyone. Still thinking positive, just taking care of myself.

Tags: exhausted, health days post, offline, pain

Current Location: home

Mood:

disappointed in myself

Music: whatever

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05 January 2009 @ 05:09 am

feeling hopeful

I talked to my 34-yr-old niece Krystie last night (I know can you believe I have a niece that age? But she was born when I was 12, so NOW it makes sense, right?), and she's also in chronic pain because of her hand.

Anyway, what she told me was that the most important thing I need to do is remain as positive and hopeful as I can while I'm in pain. I need to remain hopeful that this procedure will work, until and if it doesn't, and then I need to remain positive that something else will. In the meantime, I need to surround myself with all the things that make me feel good: whether it's soothing music, writing, reading, candles (the soy kind, because we can't burn the regular kind in our house), KNITTING (and you can see Audrey approves ;)), hot luxurious bubble baths, naps, whatever will make me feel good at the time, and to surround myself with positive people. If people give me a hard time for taking my pain meds, she said, just tell them I've stopped taking it, because it's hard for them to understand pain management.

So, I tried something new yesterday. I wrote ten contemporary haiku, and I'm going to write ten more each day this week on top of working on the three stories I committed to write this month.

I feel much better after talking to Krystie. It was like a breath of fresh air blew my way. I really needed that.

Tags: hopeful, krystie, positive thinking

Current Location: at bedroom desk

Mood:

pleased about things

Music: Dido - YES again :P

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04 January 2009 @ 06:24 am

Mom's doing better

Sorry this is so late of an update but I lied down for a little while after Paul said we didn't need to check Mom's sugar again at midnight, with full intentions of "just grabbing a few zzz's", and didn't wake up until just now. I've had my morning coffee, went to get her the paper and checked in on her and she's lightly snoring, so all is right with the world.

Thank you SOOOO much for being such lovely friends. I was truly frightened for my mom.

Tags: grateful for friends, mom better, relieved, sleeping sound

Current Location: bedroom at computer

Mood:

relieved

Music: Dido, again

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03 January 2009 @ 11:33 pm

update on Mom

Prayers and good, healing thoughts (and crossed fingers) do really help. Mom's blood sugar, after spiking up to 267, has gone back down to 247 and we expect it to continue to go down. She's resting comfortably, dozing in and out . . . in fact, just woke up and asked me for her nightgown and bathrobe so that she'd be even more comfortable. I take that as a very good sign.

Oops, might have spoken too soon. She just took it again and it's still at 247. Might have to call the doctor after all. I'll keep you updated as I know more.

I forget sometimes how old she is because she's so active. But she certainly looks all of her 81 years tonight.

Current Location: bedroom

Mood:

nervous

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03 January 2009 @ 08:33 pm

Mom is sick

My 81-yr-old mother with diabetes type II has the stomach flu. She's been vomiting quite regularly since she got home at around 3:30. My brother called the doctor at around 5:30 before he left with his three girls to visit a friend, and the instructions were to check her blood sugar levels every two hours. We all checked the levels together at 6:00 and she was at 250. The doctor said if she gets above 300 to call him back for further instructions. I just watched her check it again at 8:00 and it was 267. :( The only other instructions the doctor left were that AFTER she stops vomiting to begin giving her sugar water. But - wouldn't that make her sugar levels rise further?? I may not know a lot but that only makes sense to me.

Chewing my nails in Michigan...

Tags: diabetes ii, mom, stomach flu, worry

Current Location: bedroom

Mood:

worried

Music: Dido, Safe Trip Home

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02 January 2009 @ 04:45 am

kickoff

Yesterday turned out to be a grand kick-off to the New Year. Although I didn't get many words at all if you count it towards the word count marathon, I did write the first blog entry for Health Days, my new blog for health and mental health issues, chronic pain issues, and whatever else strikes my fancy for helping people live a better today and tomorrow. Drop by if you feel like it. :)

Today I might get a chance to work on my stories, that is, if I stick firm about not going shopping with my nieces from out of town. Shopping?? With three teenage girls, on a bad back for with I now take Vicodin HP ... I don't think so. But they make it very hard to say no. :(

Tags: back pain, today shopping?, wordpress health days blog, yesterday's entry

Current Location: home

Mood:

good

Music: quiet, everyone else is sleeping

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01 January 2009 @ 06:32 am

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year every one!!!

May this be a year of health and prosperity for you. I wish you more happiness in this year than in the last, someone to love and love you back, and the warmth of family and friends to keep you.

Again, Happy Happy!!

Tags: 2009, blessings, happy new year

Current Location: home

Mood:

nostalgic

Music: none, yet

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